Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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