Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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