proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
