I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
