so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
