Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
