Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
