Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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