I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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