My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
