I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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