i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
