My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
