I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
