Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
