The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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