all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
