First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
