I think im going to throw up on grandma
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
