she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
