i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
as a side note pls kill me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
