If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
