Don't make out with my wife yet
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
