So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
