Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
