I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
