i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
