I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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