maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
