onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize