ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
