i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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