My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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