Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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