So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
