i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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