He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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