my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize