fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
