he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
