her vagina looked like bernie madoff
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
