You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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