At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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