so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
