just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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