so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
