when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
