i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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