i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
