I looked at my own cervix.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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