Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
