You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
