so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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