Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
