At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
